Marni Jameson: Mother of bride 'unhinged' over door hardware

There comes a time when all good homeowners need to replace their outdoor hardware. The week before your daughter’s wedding is not the time.

As if I didn’t have enough to do planning a wedding celebration for family and friends coming from all over, I suddenly had an irrepressible need to replace the handles and hinges on my outside patio doors.

My perfectionist streak was in overdrive. I not only wanted all the wedding details just right, but I also wanted my house — where I would entertain the new in-laws before the wedding and host breakfast for a mere 50 guests the day after the wedding — to shine.

I’d already had the exterior of the house power washed to get rid of calcified crud and abandoned spiderwebs. I’d replaced the worn-out front and back doormats and replanted all the outdoor flowerpots with flowers that were actually living.

Five days before the wedding, as I was relaxing outside on my back covered patio with my husband (DC), thinking for a brief delusional minute that the house was ready, I noticed the corroded exterior door handles and hinges on the three sets of French doors that opened onto the U-shaped patio. All had rusty crusty hardware that looked like the underside of the Titanic’s anchor. You wouldn’t look so great either if you sat outside day and night in the hot, humid Florida sun for 20 years.

“Holy Crud! Our hardware looks terrible!” I exclaimed.

“I agree, but we’re not replacing it now,” DC said, trying to save me from myself.

“We can’t have our hardware looking like this when company comes!”

“Oh, because everyone who comes over is going to be focused on our hinges,” he says. I ignore this.

“We still have time!” I say.

I text my handyman, Richard. With Richard anything is possible. “We can do the job quickly,” he said, “so long as we have the hardware.”

That’s all I need to hear. We agree that the new hardware should match the finish of the hardware we’re replacing, which matches the hardware throughout the house. Richard diagnoses the finish as “antique pewter,” an uncommon finish that looks like tarnished silver. He finds and orders lever-style handles and deadbolts in antique pewter. He can’t, however, find matching hinges.

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Because time is tight, and I am running around like my hair is on fire, Richard opts to get “the next best thing,” hinges in oil-rubbed bronze. (These are black.) Three days before the wedding he’s installing the hardware. When I check on progress, he has all the handles in and two-thirds of the hinges. My eyebrows form a knot when I see the black hinges. He can’t find antique pewter, he says.

I check my tolerance meter to see how much imperfection I can handle. Zero. I pull out my phone and start searching. He’s amazed when I find the elusive antique pewter hinges from a lesser-known company. (Never underestimate the mother of the bride three days before a wedding.)

“Look!” I point to the phone. “They can be delivered ‘as soon as next day’!” Richard gives the thumbs up and says he’ll be back when the hinges arrive.

Meanwhile, the patio area looks worse. It features three mismatched metals (black, corroded and new antique pewter). Plus each lever handle and corresponding round deadbolt has its own unique set of keys dangling from them like cheap charms. The keys need to stay like this until a locksmith can rekey the locks so they fit the same key. I add “call locksmith” to the to-do list.

The hinges that could arrive “as soon as next day” arrive the day before the wedding. I start to call Richard. DC gently says, “I wouldn’t.”

“But he can put them in while we’re at the wedding, so they’ll be in before the breakfast,” I say, sounding perfectly reasonable to myself.

DC looks at me as if I he knows I have officially become unhinged, and says, “No one is going to be looking at the hinges.”

I reluctantly let this sink in. Fine. Fine. Fine. I do not call Richard. The hinges stay in the garage. At the post-wedding breakfast we throw all the patio doors open so our guests can flow in and out. Nobody can see the mixed metals and trashy key charms. And even if they could, they wouldn’t care.

A week later, my daughter is married. Sanity has returned. Richard is back. And all is right with the world and my patio hardware. Now I just need a locksmith.

Replacing deteriorated outdoor hardware is a worthy task. However, as with any home improvement, assume it won’t go smoothly. Leave time. Here’s what else to know when taking on this project:

Marni Jameson is the author of seven books including Rightsize Today to Create Your Best Life Tomorrow, What to Do With Everything You Own to Leave the Legacy You Want, and Downsizing the Family Home. You may reach her at [email protected]